Psychodelic Sigben

Top 10 Creepy Characters on Children's TV

2008-10-14T22:30:00.000-07:00

Well, as stated above, here is my Top 10 list of the creepiest characters on children's TV shows.

10. Clowns

Ever since I saw the adaptation of Stephen King’s It back in fourth Grade, I never trusted clowns again. I don’t even trust the Boyoyong Clowns.

9. Gumby

I don’t want to be anywhere near a disproportioned green clay figure when he goes berserk.

8. Betty Boop

Just look at her enormous head, über round wet eyes, and the freaky way she moves, add to that to her creepy voice in a noir background and you have a recipe for some nightmare.

7. Koko Kwik Kwak

I was surfing the tube one time and stumbled upon this show and I swear Koko Kwik Kwak hypnotized me with his big eyes. I wasn’t able change the channel until the credits rolled. The next time I look into those eyes, I might wake up with a gun on my right hand, a bag of money in my left, and stockings over my head.

6. Elmo

Anyone who asks to be tickled is creepy.

5. Barney

A seemingly gay purple dinosaur playing with kids! Not to mention that he has these droopy eyes that suggest addiction to narcs, there’s no telling if he has some fiendish ideas up his sleeves, oh wait, he doesn’t have any sleeves.

4. Psalty the Singing Bible

Despite being a children's bible show, the Psalty Kids' Praise musical series main character still creeps me out. Just look at the face of that Blue Human Bible.

3. Farely McFirefly

The injured Irish firefly from the Psalty Kids' Praise musical praise series.“I’m not disabled, I’M MOOOORREEE THAN ABLE!”

Look for the episode where this Irish Firefly sang a song and you might see why I think he’s creepy.

2. The Cheshire Cat

Imagine yourself meeting a big cat with a big grin, which slowly disappears in a dark alley.

And last but not the least…

1. The Teletubbies

Man, if I wake up at 3 in the morning with Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Lala, and Poe staring at me from the foot of my bed and I would surely scream like a sissy.

The Vandals Are Here!

2008-10-09T03:04:00.000-07:00

My wife and I took a yosi (cigarette) break after lunch yesterday. While puffing away at our favorite local sari-sari store I noticed a Sun Cellular tarpaulin ad with a lot of cigarette burns. I pointed out a particular spot on Jay-R’s nose to my wife.

“My doing,” I confessed with a grin. This was returned with a disapproving look. I told her that it’s so Pinoy, vandalizing public or private property, and that I think Filipinos are more Vandals than the Eastern Germans were.

Anywhere you go in Manila alone, you would see vandalism. Walls painted with public service messages or warnings such as “Walang iihe dito. Potol tite” (No pissing here. Penis will be castrated), “bawal pomasok dito snatchers, bobogbogin” (snatchers are not allowed inside, you will be beaten to pulp), or “bawal magatapon ng basura dito” (don’t throw your garbage here). More often than not, the last reminded is, ironically, written on a wall towering over a heap of garbage.

Ride a bus, you would surely see messages from passengers asking for textmates or phonepals written on the back of the seats (i.e. wanted: txtm8 09161234567, cute girls only, randy hir). Or you could check out school restrooms, a lot of inspirational quotes (“kabataan, hawak mo ang kinabukasan sa ‘yong kamay” [youth, the future is in your hands]) are available for consumption.

There are also times when vandals would express their artistic talents by drawing human genetalia on walls or armchairs. Usually, vandals put in writing their inner feelings, may it be love (err, lust) “Michelle ang laki ng dyoga mo, nakakalibog ka!” (Michelle you have huge boobs, you make me horny) or hate “Michael, kupal ka! Ang panget mo!” (Micahel, you cum residue! You’re so ugly!).

Gangsters also use vandals to mark their territories (although most of the places aren’t really their territories) or to brag which gangs they belong to (Temple Street Trese, Trese Judas, True Brown Style, Triskellion, Scout Royal Brotherhood, etc.)

Even protesters resort into vandalism to show their disapproval for the government (“Gloria! Ibagsak!” [Down with Gloria!]) or their employers (“Boycott [put brand name here] products!”).

On a lighter side, there’s a lot of good vandalism emerging today which I prefer to call graffiti. I’m not sure if I would consider MMDA Art as graffiti though, which I see as just plain vandalism.

Vandalistic messages or images are eyesore to most people but every time I see Jay-R’s or Jericho Rosales’ face covered with cigarette burns, it doesn’t fail to amuse me.

The Manananggal Monologues

2008-10-06T02:44:00.001-07:00

"A man was on his way home one night after serenading a girl. He was cursing himself because he didn’t notice the time. It was almost midnight and what’s worse is that he has to walk through the forest to reach his house.

As he was walking, a strong gust of wind blew. He stopped in his tracks. Suddenly, he heard the flapping of wings. There was no need for him to look up to see what creature made the sound. He ran as fast as he could but there was no way he could outrun the creature. His screaming was so loud that the townspeople heard him. Then there was silence.

The townspeople already knew what happened. Another victim was claimed by the manananggal.”

That is just one of the many horror stories my mom used to tell me during bedtime. I did not grow up listening to stories like Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, or the story of Rapunzel and the likes. I was raised listening to horror stories, stories about mananaggals, kapre, white ladies, and other creatures of Philippine folklore, which my mom fondly calls “Not like ours.” (I didn’t realize that it was “Not like ours” and not “natleykars”, which I thought was some ancient way of calling those kinds of creatures until I was in 5^th Grade).

One creature from our own horror stories is the Manananggal, a woman who can transform into a winged monster by disengaging her upper body from the lower part, below the waist. She has a huge appetite for human innards. Manananggals usually live deep inside the forest and use some kind of oil (which, I think, has human fats in it) to help them transform into their hideous appearance. They fear salt (especially being spread on their severed lower body), onions (and other spices), palaspas (palm), rosaries and crosses (and other religious items, depending on the mananaggal’s religion), sunlight and bamboo spears, usually used to stab through their hearts.

I did not question the manananggal’s existence until late my senior year in high school when I saw the first installment of the Shake, Rattle and Roll movie series again. The Roll episode, which was directed by Ishmael Bernal, is about two brothers and their lola (grandmother) who are being terrorized by a sexy manananggal.

After the movie, I wondered about how the manananggal really victimize. I mean, how could a mananaggal could fly with great aerobatic skill inside a thick forest. I think it would be safe to assume that each of its (her?) wings would span at least 2 meters, 4 meters when spread. If so, it would have some difficulty passing through thick trees and bushes, right? And secondly, how could it devour its victim if its lower body is missing? All the chunk of meat it eats would just pass through its severed body. And it wouldn’t have its intestines. That’s how I came up with some more plausible explanation on how manananggals really eat their victims and how would they really look like, well, for me at least.

I think manananggals don’t really fly inside the forest like in the movies. They fly above the forest, circling around and looking for prey as birds of prey do. Then after they spot a victim, they would swoop down and attack then use the momentum to glide back up. They use their talons to puncture the prey’s jugular veins to kill them. Manananggals don’t eat their victims on the spot; they bring bayongs (uhm, native shopping bags) with them. Using their sharp teeth, they would dismember their pitiful victim (usually drunkards) and put the body parts inside the bayong. They then return home to reunite with their lower body and transform back to their human form and cook their meal.

When in human form, their skin would be bloodless white (Pond’s models can’t compare) because they usually lose a lot of blood when they transform (Helloooo? Severed body?). And they appear to have a lump behind them where the wings should have been.

If you find yourself being chased by a manananggal, find a place where their wide wings could not flap easily. You could also run to the sea, they can’t chase you there because they fear salt (I find this difficult to explain, maybe some fatal allergy) and obviously, salt is made up of dried sea water. Wait till sunrise but don’t expect them to burst into flames like vampires do. They’re just afraid of the sunlight because the romorondang (roving) townspeople could spot them easily(not to mention TV news crew and people with camera phones and digicams).

You may or may not believe mananaggals exist but for me, believing in them and other such creatures once in a while brings color and excitement to my life (yeah I admit, it’s a little geeky so fuck off!). That’s my own explanation on the case of the manananggal. So beware of the freakishly white lady with a lump on her back carrying a bayong in your neighborhood.

Who are the people in your neighborhood, in your neighborhood, in you neigh-bor-hood, who are the people in your neighborhood, they the people that you meet each day!